It's All Fun and Games
by Grav
Summary: He was pretty sure that this would be easier if only he knew where his pants were.


AN: Written for the "give me a line and I'll write you a scene" challenge, at the request of **vicki595**, who asked for _"He was pretty sure that this would be easier if only he knew where his pants were."_ for Lorne and Cadman of Stargate Atlantis.

The story got to a point where they would either have to have sex or the Wraith would attack. I'll let you guess which way I chose to go.

Disclaimer: Not mine

Rating: That would be telling! Oh, okay: Teen

Summary: He was pretty sure that this would be easier if only he knew where his pants were.

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**It's All Fun and Games...**

He was pretty sure that this would be easier if he only knew where his pants were.

The planet of Elek was, for a change, inhabited by nice people who were at a similar tech level to that of Earth. Lorne and his team spent the day trying all sorts of foods at a picnic thrown in their honour, and then watching as the Eleki played all sorts of picnic games. He was rather surprised at the similarities between their games and Earth games, but decided he would let the anthropologists be the ones to get excited over the fact that the equivalent of the potato must exist in the Pegasus Galaxy in order for their to be the equivalent of potato sack races.

As darkness fell and the picnic ground emptied, some of the local militia members invited the Lantean team to bunk in their barracks. Lorne decided that he could qualify it as research instead of shore leave, and went back to the gate to make his report to Atlantis and explain his team would not be returning until tomorrow.

By the time he reached the barracks, the party was in full swing. He was not entirely surprised. Laura Cadman had been very enthusiastic about participating in the games during the day, and only Corporal Sully's mild and easily treated allergic reaction to whatever it was inside the not quite water balloons had allowed her to put off teaching Earth games to the Eleki who vied for her attention. Lorne knew his 2IC well enough to know that it was only a matter of time before she gave in.

He was not, however, expecting her to start with strip poker.

The Eleki took to it quickly enough. It turned out that the entire race had an innate mathematical ability that allowed them not only to grasp the idea of the game quickly, but also to predict the odds fairly accurately. Laura realized her mistake after the second hand, but by then it was too late to turn back, and all the Lanteans could do was be good sports about it.

So it was that Lorne found himself sitting in an alien barracks in his underwear, not because they had been captured or because of some drug-laced potion, but because Laura Cadman had the worst poker face in the universe. At least she was well on her way to being naked too. Dr. Haeth was just managing to stay clothed (at Lorne's expense, really) and Sully was smirking from the sidelines, having pled ill-health to escape the game when the disparity of skill became apparent.

Personal discomfort aside, Lorne realized that this mission was an unqualified success. For the first few hours, he'd been waiting for the other shoe to drop, for some terrible secret or furtive agenda to come to light, but he'd lost his shoes to the first two rounds of the card game, and had since decided he needn't have worried. Elek was a planet he could see other teams using as a place to take shore leave, and all the Eleki seemed to want in return for offering their world as a hostel was access to new games.

Just as he'd finally relaxed and decided that he wouldn't mind losing his shirt so much if Laura lost hers as well, it all fell apart rather abruptly. A series of alarms sounded, and the Eleki all ran to their weapons lockers to get their gear.

"What's happening?" Lorne stood up and yelled over the din.

"The alarm means that the Circle has been opened," the barrack commander explained, hands busy checking weapons as he talked. "Only the Wraith come through after dark!"

Laura was already checking her vest pockets for C4, and Sully was unclipping his P-90. Lorne looked around frantically for his pants, but couldn't find them. He did find his gun and vest though, and hurried to put them on.

"Dr. Haeth, stay here!" Lorne ordered. "Sully, go with the barrack commander. Stay in radio contact. Cadman, you and I are going to the gate. You can whip up a few surprises on the run, and I'll cover you when we get there."

His team nodded and moved out. Laura was always completely serious during combat, something Lorne found entirely unnerving. She followed him towards the gate without making a single comment about his state of undress, and that made him even more tense then the impending Wraith attack.

They slunk through the forest, taking cover behind trees when possible. As they hunched behind the trunk of an enormous not quite oak tree, Laura put her hand on his shoulder to get his attention and leaned forward to whisper in his ear.

"I don't hear any darts."

"The Wraith have been using foot soldiers a lot lately," Lorne replied, also in a whisper. "They've changed to a stealth approach on planets where the locals have got good at running away."

"There was a big dead trunk to the east of the gate when we came in," Laura said. "If you want fireworks, that's as good a place as any to start."

Lorne nodded, and the two of them set off again. The reached the glade where the gate stood, active but empty, and circled it, always keeping behind the tree line. When they reached the fallen tree trunk, Lorne spotted a flaw in Cadman's plan: in order to cover her while she laid the explosives, he'd have to stand either right on top of her, or in full view of the gate. The latter was obviously out of the question, so with only minimal thoughts as to the possible outcomes, Lorne took up watch.

Laura worked quickly as always, threading C4 and detonator coils through the rotten old tree like some elaborate and deadly cross-stitch. Every now and then, her hand would brush against his bare legs, and he would try very hard to think about something else.

"Where _are_ the Wraith?" he demanded of no one in particular.

Sully radioed in to inform them that the Eleki were all in their hiding places and that the guard had been set. Lorne told him to stay put, and to listen for further information, as the Wraith had yet to make an appearance.

"There, Major," Laura said as soon as Lorne had signed off. "I'm almost done."

She threaded the last detonator with ease and then turned around to stand up, but he was standing too close to her, and she knocked him over. As he fell, he saw a figure come through the gate, but the sighting could not keep him from crying out rather loudly in alarm as he crashed, pantsless into the brush with Laura Cadman on top of him.

The fall knocked the wind out of him, and the first thing he was aware of was the soft sound of her laughter in his ear. Even though it was wildly inappropriate for any number of reasons, he felt like laughing too.

Instead, he whispered "Someone's come through the gate."

She stiffened immediately, battle ready for all she was still tangled up in his arms and legs. The woods were silent except for the thrum of the gate and the sounds of their breathing.

"Lorne!" called a familiar voice. "Where are you? Elizabeth decided to come and meet the Eleki herself this evening."

Lorne could not move quickly enough. Laura was still on top of him and also scrambling to get up, so their movements in the brush provided more than enough noise for John and his team to track their location. By the time his military and civilian commanders found them, Lorne was on his feet with Laura beside him, though both showed signs of having recently spent time on the forest floor. As he beheld the confused and surprised faces of his comrades, Lorne remembered that he'd lost his pants in a game of strip poker, and became terribly grateful that it was dark so that no one would see him blush. He was going to _kill_ Laura.

"Lieutenant, Major," Elizabeth said, as though she could possibly put him at ease. "You appear to be out of uniform."

This was going to be the most awkward post-mission debrief ever.

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**finis**

AN: I apologize for the unforgivable pun!

Gravity_Not_Included, August 1, 2009


End file.
